Reprinted by permission. http://community.venusindex.com/entry.php?10082-Guts-and-other-tender-bits
Guts and Other Tender Bits
by Kiya Black
Something that came to me today, as I was out and about, enjoying the gorgeous weather, being social, having fun.
For years – years – I didn’t actually feel like my body was fully MINE. It was parceled out. A bit to the kids (in the future). Then, a bit – well, more than a bit – to my husband. And the bit that was left – the part that was all mine, late at night, when I could not think about anything and anyone else – that bit ate.
Because, really, I like food. I like food A LOT. I like eating. I like the feeling of chewing, of tasting, of things going over my tongue and down my throat. I like a variety of tastes – a bit of this, a bit of that, a bit more a bit more a bit more. I like experimenting with food, and combining things and seeing just what makes something taste even BETTER.
And that’s what I gave myself. That was how I claimed ownership of the parts of my body I felt I still fully owned – I ate.
And I resented anyone or anything that tried to tell me that I shouldn’t eat. That I couldn’t eat carbs. That I shouldn’t love butter. That a rich, dense, moist cake should be something I cringed from, instead of yearned for.
And I resented the world I lived in, that said that I was less intelligent. Less focused. Less aware. Less amazing…..because I was more. Because I was fat, all of the wonder that was inside me was dimmed. My body was a shadow over myself.
And those two resentments battled and fought inside me, and the easiest path was the one I already knew – I stayed fat.
Then, I went through issues with infertility. And I reclaimed that part of my body that I had given away to the kids I hadn’t – and most likely never will – bear.
Then, I got divorced. And I reclaimed the part – the huge part – of my body I had given over to my husband – sometimes with joy, sometimes with regret and sometimes with the apathetic acceptance that this was just how marriage was.
And suddenly…….. I owned myself. All of myself. I didn’t owe a bit to my parents, because my life was maintained and managed by me, or my kids, because I didn’t have to consider their future above my own, or my husband., because he was no longer mine.
My time, yeah, that was still split out – but my BODY was mine.
And I realized that I wanted more from my body. I wanted more from myself. I wanted to not be under the shadow of my flesh, anymore. I was tired – TIRED – of it hiding who I was. It’s unfair, I still think, how the world is arranged to prejudge those who are fat. I don’t know – even as I acknowledge that judgement in myself – that I’ll ever really understand it.
But sometimes – just understanding that it isn’t fair is enough.
And that was my straw. Seeing pictures of myself, and being able to SEE the incredible, vibrant, joyous, self-aware and self-possessed woman looking back at me – and knowing because of my fat, I was most likely the only one who could see it. At least with a glance.
I was terrified, initially. I thought I would turn into a bitch. I thought that I would become arrogant, vain, selfish, cruel, petty, and mean if I wasn’t fat anymore. I thought that shedding the weight would also shed some of the good from me.
Instead…. I’ve found that I’ve blossomed. That the simple fact that others can see the joy, the vibrancy, the focus, the intelligence, the self-awareness, the confidence and wonder that has always been inside of me – that people can see it with a single glance – has….. multiplied that.
I think I’m kinder. I think I’m more generous. I think I’m more open. I think….. I think that as I stepped out of the shadow of my flesh, my inner light shone more and more and more – without me even having to DO anything. It’s like there’s a mirror in other peoples eyes reflecting my own light back to me.
I feel so self-conscious, sometimes. I feel like, every time I post a picture, or comment on anything positive and forward moving related to losing weight and getting hotter (cuz, yeah, I’m totally hotter), that I’m bragging. That I’m slipping towards that vain, petty, arrogant skinny bitch that I was utterly terrified of becoming. I’m afraid that my darker sides – the cutting sarcasm, the impatience, the…….anger, that deep, grudge-holding, slow building and incredibly destructive anger – will come out and sully the Joy that I believe my Gods destined me to be.
And then I take a deep breath. And I take ownership of my choices. All of them. And I step out a little bit more into acceptance – that true, deep, heart/body/mind acceptance of utter, nonconvertible truth that I am Joy and Amazement and Kindness and Wonder and Love – and that as long as I CHOOSE those things…. I can be nothing but them.
Well. Okay. Mostly. Sometimes, I’m just a blunt bitch. But, ya know, I try to keep her in check.
I don’t know why I shared that. I feel lighter, but I think just writing it out would have made me feel lighter. I…… Gods. I… don’t know. Posting this just feels… right. I hope that isn’t arrogance sneaking in.
Maybe it’s a bit of honor and offering to the hearts of the other Venuses who have shared their inner bits.
Yes. That is what I will see it as. I feel like I’ve seen tender bits of y’all – bits that generally wouldn’t be shared with others, I think.
And sometimes the comments about how sunny and joyous I am make me feel like….. like I’m projecting an image that is a bit… photoshopped. Because Gods know, sometimes I’m angry and ugly and mean and morose and……all of those things. And they are just as much a part of me as the Joy is, and have just as much of a right as to be seen as the joy.
For more information on how Kiya transformed during this incredible journey, check out these diet and exercise programs.